Warning: It's about to get REAL
I've struggled for so long (and sometimes still do) with depression, suicide, low self-esteem, loneliness, jealousy/envy, unforgiveness, feelings of not being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, kind enough... JUST NOT BEING "ENOUGH" for anything or anybody. I believe that most of these strongholds stem from my last relationship which ended in early 2009. Before that relationship, I guess you could say I was a pretty confident person, but I became so dependent on that man, and sin truly got a hold to me. The door was previously opened, but that relationship just helped me to.... BUST HELL WIDE OPEN, and let torment reign in my life.
I was in a pit, that I dug myself into well BEFORE I became a Christian. So, me committing my life to God, I honestly thought those feelings would magically go away [still, in my ignorance of the Word]. But it seemed to get worse. I started comparing myself to other people, not realizing I was only digging myself deeper. I was praying and praying for a breakthrough and it just seemed like God wasn't hearing me, so I started thinking He was just THAT disgusted with me. But I wouldn't quit, I kept going to God humbly and he hearkened to my cry! Psalm 40:1-3 "I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord."
After I got saved, it was quite apparent that God had a plan for me. And I don't know how, or when down the line it happened, but I started to change. It's so true, when you genuinely accept Jesus the Christ as your Lord and savior, you will know because a change will take place on the inside of you. And it's so funny how the Lord works. In the midst of all this, my pastor was thoroughly preaching about renewing the mind, depression, torment, suicide and how to overcome.I was still confused though, I had all of this information but wasn't sure how to put it to use. Man, I cried so much and my eyes were puffy all the time. I still cry often enough, but a lot of you wouldn't even know. The things I go through is literally a morsel of Hell. BUT, God has placed everlasting joy in heart so despite what I go through, though I still cry till I'm dehydrated, I always manage to smile at the end. At this time though, it's not for me to share so, as I digress...I received much encouragement from people and they didn't even know how on time it was, or that they even helped me to hold on. It was just more confirmation from God. Psalm 25:16-18 says "Turn thee unto me, and have mercy upon me, for I am desolate and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged: O bring thou me out of my distresses. Look upon mine affliction and my pain; and forgive all my sins." KJV He actually turned to me. Wow.I began to grow in faith, realizing that God was just making me stronger. He allowed me to be broken into pieces just so He could build me up to be who He made me to be. His original masterpiece. And I was BROK-EN! SHATTERED! CRUSHED! Life straight TKO'd me! Down to my last straw, with suicide constantly knocking at my door, then that day, God spoke through my pastor. He wasn't intending on talking about suicide but somehow, he ended up on the topic. I can't remember half the things he said, but all I could do is weep. I wept throughout the sermon. Just knowing that God knew I was even considering it [as well as other people] and He cared enough, at that specific time, to let us all know, that He cares. Suicide doesn't end anything, it begins something you don't want to know about.
This is just a snippet of some of the things I've dealt with. There's so much more I could say. But, I will break this up into different posts so it won't be one long post lol SO, I will post my testimony, buuttt.....it will be broken up... and...not in order, lol SORRY but that's the best way I know to do it.
I will end with this Psalm, 57:7 "My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed: I will sing and give praise." KJV God is so beautiful, and merciful. We're serving the right one. PTL
Love you, peace be with you in your journeying.
Mari
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