Conviction...what an experience...

Last night, I was working on a sermon and wanted to go back and read James 4, as I was going to put James 4:7 in my sermon/speech. I've read the entire Book of James before, even have some things highlighted. But, last night, it seemed as if those words were popping out at me. Usually when I read I'll read other translations while reading my King James Version. Each translation just seemed to convict me more and more. As I kept reading it, I began remembering how much wrong I've done, and have yet to repent for. I began to cry uncontrollably. It was just like I had some type of revelation or something.

For a while, I haven't really been feeling like I've been moving on my path as a believer and just felt stuck. And I've been asking God for a couple of weeks WHY!? Why do I feel STUCK!? And seemingly got no answer. I had dreams, but couldn't make sense of any of them. Then I just started feeling like, I was doing something wrong, so I started praying for clarity. So, last night, reading James 4 and getting/feeling convicted was a huge step for me. I realized that I have been walking as an adulterous lover with God. There are/were things in my life that, I wanted to keep but God was telling me to let go. I was being SO selfish. And though I knew that these things/people(person) wasn't good for me, I just wanted to keep them around. All the while, in the back of my head I KNEW God has had His hand all over me. He was in the middle of the relationship tearing us apart because it was toxic and was of no way beneficial to me. Or for a better picture, He was holding me back by my shirt while I'm still trying to run towards the things that aren't good for me.

Man, I just felt SO guilty, and SO unworthy of His presence. I realized why some things were the way they were! I just continued to cry and at this point just had to close my Bible because I felt like WHO AM I to go out and speak the Holy Gospel of the LORD when I can't even get some things straight in life. I mean...it's HYPOCRITICAL right!? So I just thanked God for this conviction and went to bed [puffy eyed], I didn't even feel comfortable talking to Him about anything else.

I woke up..remembering and just meditating on what happened last night and went on getting ready for work. [Of course the very first thing I did was drop to my knees]. Now, usually, on my way to work, I listen to Corinne Bailey Rae, but today, about 5 min before I got out the car I turned on the radio. And this song was playing, I believe it's a new song by M. D. Stokes  "Changes (Bye-bye)." I began to tear up! The song...was practically about me! It was like God was speaking to me THROUGH this song, it was RIGHT on time! That's when I was like... it's time to MOVE FORWARD. Even though, people bring up what I've done in my past..(even those close to me), and some relationships had to be abruptly ended, I know that God's will, WILL be done. So, I'm saying all this to say that CONVICTION, is a beautiful thing. It was/is something I need(ed) in order to grow and become the person God wants me to be. Though I'm not where I want/should be, I'm not who I used to be. PRAISE THE LORD (PTL) THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME SO MUCH TO CONVICT ME! The LORD disciplines the ones He Loves. Hebrews 12:4-8

-Mari ❤